my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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