If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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