John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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