we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my shit smells like andre
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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