plz talk dirty to me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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