If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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