that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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