I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
