Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
