And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
