I got chris browned last night
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
