just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
