I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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