guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
