I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
