I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
