saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
how drunk are you?
Several
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
