The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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