Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
