The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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