My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
