i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
