I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You're like the curious george of whores
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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