Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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