You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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