i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
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