How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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