Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
