Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
