O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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