I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
