I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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