dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
