Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
