I didn't shave. On purpose
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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