If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
