If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
