I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
