just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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