Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
