I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
