How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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