Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I will pee on everything he values.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
