dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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