Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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