My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
