I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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