does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
