What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
