Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
