I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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