She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
