I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You are a genius and a whore.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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