you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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