I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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