Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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