Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
