oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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