Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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