My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
