I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
